Journal of a Not So Innocent Observer
by DreamswithJoy
Summary: "Maka was sprawled on the ground doing who knows what, Black*Star and Tsubaki still could not be found, Patty was playing with her new toy, Kid still trying to break free,  Liz wasn't back yet, and he still thought he was dreaming."-Entry #1 WARNING:CRACK


What is this? Oh you'll figure it out!

PS: This has themes, okay? But nothing too naughty (like lemons or really much lime content)! Just crack and fun. :D

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><p>"Oh <em>hell <em>no!"

"What's wrong with it?"

"Everything!"

"But it'll look awesome on you!"

"It makes me look like a…."

"Shush! Besides, aren't some dudes…."

"Liz….I honestly don't think we should say things like this in public!"

"Giraffe! Giraffe! Giraffe!"

"See? Even Patty agrees!"

"Agree with what sis?"

"The fact that Maka would look good in that!"

"Liz! No way am I ever going to wear that!"

"Giraffe! Giraffe! Giraffe!"

"Guys, can't we just get to school already?"

"Tsubaki, stop being a worrywart."

"But we only have five…"

"Come on Maka! Just try it _on!_"

"Ooooh! What's this thing? A giraffe? But it's shaped like a…"

"PATTY! Don't you _dare _touch that thing?"

"How come?"

"Cause it's a….thing for adults only!"

"How come?"

"Because I said so!"

"But isn't it a cool toy?"

"Not it's not-MAKA! Don't you try and sneak away!"

"I don't want to do this anymore!"

Liz grabbed her friend by the wrist and dragged her back into the strange store. Only to see her sister getting hit on by someone she wouldn't even go near.

"Patty! Get away from that douche!"

"But he offered to buy that giraffe toy for me! And to show me how it works!"

"No! This isn't what you think!" the dude tried to protest. Liz kicked him in the nuts and turned to Maka.

"Come on Maka, try on that outfit…"

"Never!"

"Okay then! I'll tell Soul about your secret…"

"Dammit!"

"Whatcha talking about there? I still want that toy…"

"Well you can't get it!"

Maka was reluctantly putting it on. One of the clerks came over to her.

"It's okay….I love my H manga as much as you do…"

"Really?"

"Yup…especially the…"

"Oooh! Look at that!"

"Patty! Don't touch that!"

"But I want see what it is!"

"You can't!"

"I can!"

"But your virtue…"

"Huh?"

"Hey guys…"

"What do you mean by virtue sis?"

"Yeah! That was really hot…..wait….why the fuck am I talking to you? You're the creep who tried to molest Patty!"

"I mean your innocence!"

"Huh? I'm not very…"

"Maka….CHOP!"

"I mean your virginity! He was going to molest you!"

"Oh…well, I don't really…"

"NO!"

"But…no one would mind….Mom did it all the time…"

"No way in hell! I care!"

"You do?"

"Of course I do…"

"Get the fuck off me you creep! Maka CHOP! Maka CHOP!"

"I love ya sis! Can I still get the toy?"

"Never!"

"CREEP!"

"WILL YOU SHUT THE _FUCK _UP!"

Everyone, even that dude who got beat up twice, looked at Tsubaki, who was quite pissed off.

With no time for anyone to protest, the young chain scythe dragged everyone out of the store, Patty with the giraffe themed dil….er….toy, Maka who managed somehow to get her jacket on. But Tsubaki was rushing too much to allow her to unbutton it.

No one knew Maka Albarn would _ever _look good in a leather body suit, high heels, a feather mask, and with a whip at her belt.

Liz was trying to beat up the clerk again, who was trying to chase them for shoplifting.

And then they all got to school three hours late. Patty waving a dildo in front of pretty much everyone in Death City, Liz trying to get her sister to go into her gun form so she could kill the clerk.

"Please whip me Master! I beg you!"

"Goddamit I'm not in this cause I want to be!" she lied quickly, knowing full well what she _wanted _to do.

Liz dragged him in the bushes, taking Maka's whip with her.

Kid was scarred for life, in a sense that was sort of good for him.

"It's perfect…."

"SYMMETRY!" he screamed looking closer at the pigtailed girl. Patty whacked him upside the head.

"Oopsies! I'll bring you home now!"

Soul finally came to school, after realizing he had slept for way too long.

Maka was still thinking about her lost whip, and what she could do to her weapon.

"Hmm….I could take off everything except his boxers…make sure it's handcuffs…which I could buy later on. Then that whip…..oh my gooooood~"

Soul had no idea what the hell his meister was doing, but he assumed she wanted to do _it _with Kid (because he has jealousy issues).

"Maka! Snap out of it! We still have er…..class! Yeah! You can't miss class!"

"Sooooooooouuuuuuullll I'm gonna…."

He looked at her if she was mentally insane. Then he thought that he was probably dreaming, because of his long standing crush on-

Okay…let's pretend that was never said.

Well, he was prone to have weird dreams like this. So he cut himself.

Closed his eyes.

Opened them.

Scene in front of him was disturbing.

Did it again.

And again.

Again.

Again.

Again.

"WHIP ME HARDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER~" a weird scream came out of the bushes. He decided that if this was truly a dream, why not go ahead and check?

"Asshole! Stop fucking molesting me! Damn, I need a gun…Patty, where are you?"

"What the fuck are you doing?"

"He tried to molest Maka and Patty."

"Let's kick his ass."

Later on, after that major ass kicking scene far too bloody for my lazy self to describe, Soul was back in front of Shibusen.

Only to be more disturbed than ever.

Maka was trying to steal Patty's dildo, screaming at her to stop touching….was that _his _manly parts? Patty had tied up Kid, who was trying to get to Maka because of her perfect symmetry, Black*Star and Tsubaki were nowhere to be found, and everyone was watching.

"Holy shit…"

Liz came up over to him and gawked.

"We have to stop this! Soul…you make sure nothing happens, I'll go to Shinigami-sama!"

The demon scythe just stood there as she ran off.

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><p>"Shinigami-sama! We have to put a stop to this!"<p>

Silence.

"Shinigami-sama? What are you doing?"

Silence.

"Is that Kid's mom?"

"Yes it is…."

"Holy shit….I never knew…."

"Just be quiet about this, okie?"

"Sure…just come out when you're done…"

Liz ran out of there as soon as she possibly could.

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><p>Soul looked at the scene in front of him, a mix of awe and horror on his face.<p>

Maka was sprawled on the ground doing who knows what, Black*Star and Tsubaki still could not be found, Patty was playing with her new toy, Kid still trying to break free, Liz wasn't back yet, and he still thought he was dreaming.

"PATTY! Don't put that down there!"

"How come!"

"Because I said so!"

"Because you're scared?"

"Because I said so!"

"Hi there guys…."

"WHY HELLO THERE SUBJECTS….."

"Black*Star! Look around you dude! It's completely insane!"

The assassin rolled his eyes as if the issue was too small for him.

"So? And I just got LAID."

"What?"

"Yeah that's right! And it was-"

He was whacked on the head.

"I'm going to take him home now…we all need some rest, don't we?"

She walked away before he could even say he needed help.

"Fuck!"

"Sooooouuuullllll?"

He turned around to see his meister, looking more disturbed than he ever thought was possible.

"I was looking for you! Let's go home!" she smiled cheerily, but there was something wrong.

"Er….Maka?"

"Yes?"

"What are you doing with those handcuffs?"

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><p>Waking up one morning in a hospital bed, having no solid recollection of what the hell happened to you is never a good feeling. Soul Eater proved that to me.<p>

"Fuck Nygus….what happened to me?"

"Maka called. Said you passed out when she was taking you home, screaming loudly about whipping. Although we did find lash marks, we have no idea where they came from. We suspect something traumatic happened to you yesterday. Do you remember what happened?"

He looked at the bed, thought, and screamed.

"What happened Soul?"

"Was….that all not a dream?"

"Probably not."

"FUCK!"

A knock on the door interrupted his terror fit.

"Nygus? Can I come in?"

"Yes you can Maka. I was just leaving."

The pigtailed meister opened the door and went over to Soul as quickly as she could.

"Maka…CHOP!"

The blow delivered perfectly, and the demon scythe winced in pain.

"Shit Maka! What the heck are you trying to pull?"

"You idiot! I was worried asshole!"

They continued to bicker like this until I gathered my things and announced my leave.

"Take care of yourselves."

Soul waved weakly, and Maka thanked me for taking care of her weapon. I smiled lightly and walked away.

"They seem like a strong pair…those two."

It was at that specific moment that I realized I had forgotten my computer.

I was quite nervous when I realized the door was locked. I went over to a window nearby, only to see Maka on top of Soul, clad in the same leather suit with the same whip. She had handcuffs.

"Hey Soul~ Let's pick up where we left off, hmm?"

That was when I knew getting my computer back, or saving some of Soul's innocence was completely fruitless. I decided to just use the library for the computers.

But first, I needed some coffee.

"Damn it, I'll never see those kids the same way again."

END (Because it's 1:00 A.M. and I need plenty of sleep to observe)

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><p>Okay O.O This was strange to me, and probably OOC (I hope it's not, to an extent). But I hoped you liked this crackish fic, which I'll probably continue when I'm in a crackish mood.<p>

Good day,

DreamswithJoy


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